Un-gluing It All Back Together

It has been 6 months since my last drink. That is half a cake. The layers of the paper mache mask that grew over time have been removed. Now I get to look inside of me and see who the real person is that was hiding and buried for so long.six-months

Looking back now and as every additional day, week and month advances my soul gets stronger. My mind is clearer. My body is so strong.  Does this mean I am free and clear? No. We will get to that at the end.

This is a recap of the past 6 months as it unfolded. It outlines what someone in their 1st month might experience and links to my sobriety journey might find helpful as a map or guide. To be clear – NOT ALL EXPERIENCES are the same but I have seen others experiencing significant and similar feelings and changes  along the way.

Days 0-30

  • This is when I worked with a coach. Without a coach, I would recommend getting to a 12-step meeting and/or find someone who you know and trust is sober and ask them where to start.
  • Not feeling up to a meeting or strong enough to reach out? Go online. www.stepchat.com is a great place to be anonymous and ask questions; Facebook friends? Private groups can help. Ask me about those.24.jpg
  • Read a book. Love rock-n-roll? See my list of recommended reads. Feel like a boozy housewife? There are books for you too. I read books. All the time.
  • Don’t like to read? Watch a movie. See my list of recommended movies. Not sure you are alcoholic? I recommend 28 Days with Sandra Bullock. I watched movies, all the time.
  • And my favorite, PODCASTs.

I was NOT sure I was an alcoholic. I realized that I was as soon as I got through a few of the above and did more research that what I suspected for a LONG time – was true. Once recognizing my alcoholic nature, I was able to do MORE research, MORE meetings and MORE well…of this. Opening up.

Without continuous work, recognizing gratitude, being gentle with my moods and myself – I would have relapsed very quickly. 

30The FIRST 30 DAYS WERE A FOG. I was a walking zombie of the apocalypse. My brain mass literally felt foggy. I shuddered all the time (PAWS) when I thought of a drink and just felt lost. I had NOTHING to prove either. The surrender of my condition had already begun.

 

Days 30-60

  • PAWS (Post-acute withdrawal symptoms) was still pretty obvious. I shudder a lot. I still do. When I think about alcohol in it’s physical form I get a deep shudder as if a ghost has gone through me. It is pretty powerful and reminds me of it’s hold.
  • Day 42-47 I write about denial seeping in and almost relapsing. You begin to forget why you started to begin with. You begin to feel better. It can be a dangerous time. Also this is around the time when I started to lose my patience. Irritability was settling in my new brain.2
  • Day 60, I felt horrible. PAWS was bad. Irritability, restlessness and discontent were rabid. I didn’t know which way to go. Meetings helped and also, self-care. Super critical time to appreciate your body and mind.
  • Still reading books and still watching documents and movies, listening to podcasts, created blog and found my core AA meetings. I got the tools NOW rid of the madness.

Days 60-90

  • Holidays. Lot’s of them. We had – Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas coming. I 60focused on eating. I forgave myself for eating more ice cream and muffin tops than I ever thought possible.
  • I kept a schedule.
  • I learned to reach out a little.
  • At the 90 day mark I felt so relieved. I NEVER thought I would make it to 90 days. This is a BIG milestone. It meant more than anything else to date in my sobriety.
  • I was blogging every week and reaching out online and of course, meetings. Podcasts.

Days 90 – 120

  • 4 monthI found a sponsor. Nobody says you have to find one the first day. You could get a temporary sponsor. Someone to at least talk to when you need the early help.
  • I spoke at my first commitment. I got up and spoke about my experience, strength and hope. It was OK. It was a rite of passage. The second time I spoke I was a wreck.
    Either way, sharing a story sometimes will help someone else. This is why it is done.
  • Day 120 – I being experiencing a little dry drunk symptoms. Must keep blogging.Must keep working at my recovery.

 

On to Six months – 

I am just really focused on the future and continued survival.

Do I ever worry about relapse? All the time.5

How much work do I have left? I have a LOT of work to continue to do. I plan a lifetime of support and giving in my sobriety as well as continued reaching out for my sanity. I am only on Step 4 in the Big Book and I am far from done blogging.

How does being with other people and around alcohol feel? Feels fine. I can pretty much ignore it. There are days when I will sniff it, drool over it and I catch myself building reservations about it. Like “when I go down, I go down with a bottle of Patron” – drooling right now.

If you are still reading this. Keep going. Keep coming.

 

This entry was posted in The Hard Work, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Un-gluing It All Back Together

  1. ainsobriety says:

    Awesome post. Keep writing. Your experiences are very informative!

    Anne

    Like

  2. jenA. says:

    Thanks Anne ! Xoxo

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.