I had a very perplexing past 24-48 hours. Yesterday was Thursday. Thursday is when I meet with my sponsor, we read from the ‘big book’ and we go to our ‘big book’ meeting following. I usually love Thursdays. They are the tail-end of the week and get me ready for the weekend. Thursdays also use to be a drinking night. Usually would start my long weekend of alcoholic nights and hungover days. I haven’t really correlated Thursdays with drinking in a very long time. In fact, our group outings from work always called them “Thirsty Thursdays” or “Book Club” nights.
Mood observation #1: Not going out and drinking on a Thursday night doesn’t bother me at all.
It is also a special night because tonight my sponsor and I were finishing Step One.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”
So let’s see how the previous hours went, shall we? Wednesday evening into Thursday morning, I had a drinking dream. This one was different than others. In this one, my attitude was more nonchalant. It wasn’t my usual ‘DGAF’ attitude that goes along with the post-drinking shame and guilt dream. This one was more conscious. I had some drinks, they happened and I matter of fact felt ‘there that is.’ No more, no less. I didn’t wake up disturbed or feeling scared like I have been. Prior, those drinking dreams would awaken me with so much fear of relapse. This time, it had no outcome. I didn’t recall the dream either until later in the day of Thursday. (Remember, we are still on yesterday, which was Thursday)
So Thursday was fairly uneventful in the morning. Then the weight of life started to bit by bit unravel.
Mood observation #2:
- Son is stressing me out; worried about his mental being, his behaviors
- Husband is stressing me out; worried about his mental being, his behaviors
- Colleague at work tells me he feels shame and guilt about drinking evening prior (what am I to do? continue to remain silent)
- Work is boring AF lately, need a challenge
- Sickness this week is making me crabby and additionally uninterested in work, this too shall pass
I decided to head out early and get some errands done before my sponsor meeting and then out of the blue I felt like I SHOULD HAVE A DRINK. A beer. A glass of wine.
Mood observation #3:
- I have no physical cravings, no shuddering crept upon me to remind me
- I have no mental obsessions rattling around my brain, I can almost play the tape through
- Physically and mentally I am ODDLY calm and just like my dream in a state of “matter of fact” outward looking ‘I SHOULD HAVE A DRINK’
- No emotion, no feeling. Just walking through my errands.
What I did next was even odder. I grabbed dinner at a pub which I am ought to do from time to time on my way to meetings. I ordered my usual seltzer and lemon, steak and asparagus. I watched others drink and I felt NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. I put myself in a dangerous situation knowing that something inside me physically and mentally had changed about my fear and obsession around alcohol.
Mood observation #4:
- Began to get weepy and sad
As I sat down to think about what Step One meant to me I started to feel as if I had surrendered. This was as real as it was going to get. I identified that the sneaky little demon alcohol (my disease) was lurking and sitting and waiting for me to fail. It gave me an out. It said, ‘how are you going to deal with all of this stuff without me?’ It took away my fear and my obsession and gave me complacency. In that complacency, my mind, though aware of my disease could simply dismiss it and go on and drink as if my journey was complete.
So it has to be said. I recognize that I will always have my demon sitting and waiting. The work of a good program is critical. So I walked through my sad and weepy, had a good meeting and rested. Without my understanding of this Step One and surrendering, I would be drinking again today.
Mood observation Friday: