It is Christmas Eve. It is also the first holiday I will be completely sober. The scary thing is that my stress level though high, isn’t what is driving me to want to take down some booze. It is the damn sinus issues I am having that could counteract the medicines to then calm me down enough to blah blah blah. I will not drink but damn it would be better than this Sudafed / coffee brain I am battling! This year I was thinking about what I am most grateful for in 2015. I am 100% grateful that through the existence of a higher power and the realization that I am powerless over my addictions that this is the YEAR I found sobriety. Another beautiful gift that I found myself this Christmas is the angel from my childhood. The picture is of a vintage, electric angel from the 1950s that my Grandmother and Mother had by my side while I slept every Christmas when I was little. I would stare at it.
It is one of the few childhood memories I have that calmed me. I went on a quest to find her with few details I had because sadly the one I had ended up going to the regions of the unknown. (Likely broken and thrown away) So, I found her this Autumn on a rare eBay search. There are no coincidence in sobriety. I needed to find her. When I get stressed today, I will just take my crazy ass over to her and have a talk.
Now, what about angels and ghosts that have appeared in my life whether through actual feelings or just awareness? Well, when I was very young, I picked up piano. I was a classical pianist with the “gift” of performance. This means, I wasn’t very technically accurate but I could perform well. Well enough to get me through 4 years of college recitals and some tough critics. Amazingly enough, my draw to the piano was rather sudden. I wasn’t seeking it out, but along the way I desired to play. It wasn’t forced on me as some hobbies or sports tend to be for youngsters. (us parents like to see what our kids are interested in through voluntold experiences) What I found out would rather haunt me for a long time. My grandfather who I never met yet my mom was carrying me before his death could play piano and specifically tarantellas (A lively, whirling southern Italian dance in 6/8 time, once thought to be a remedy for tarantism) by ear. This is the same grandfather that was a pretty raging alcoholic. Coincidence? Unsure. All I knew is that when I played and my love for music sometimes feels channeled from some other spirit. Was my alcoholism too? This is where I depart from my medical understanding of my dis-ease to a more spiritual balance.
Now, if that ghost of the past influenced me, I would not know. I have never felt his presence however I was once in my small and scary dorm-like room in the Henry Hudson hotel when I interned in New York. This was an old building built in 1928 that was originally for women and when I lived there it was for old people and interns i.e., temporary housing for college students. It smelled. It was old. There were roaches. The rooms were so small. I shared it with another woman from my school. One night there came a man to the room. An old man. I was dreaming. I don’t remember the details but I recall that it felt like a warning but one of warmth. Now, given the amount of elderly in the building who knows how many had passed. Overall, it was an experience that hallucination or now (and I was not on drugs) it gave me some level of curiosity.
The only other experience that I had that has followed me since was a few years ago. I had recently lost my aunt in a very sad way as she succumbed during heart surgery. I had to travel to the United Kingdom and we had not yet buried her. The flight from Boston to the United Kingdom was long and I hadn’t particularly drank on the flight as I recall so I had no influence other than being tired. We got into the hotel rooms at about 12:00 midnight. Once I figured out the lights and got myself into bed I felt an uneasy presence. Then a hand gently placed itself on my right shoulder. I felt so calm. I didn’t think it was my aunt but the strangest sense of something passing by and just letting me know that it was there was really comforting. I didn’t feel scared.
Since that experience, I look over my right shoulder a lot. It is almost all of the time that I can feel that hand print on my shoulder. It is very odd. Since getting sober it is always there. I hope it guides me whatever it is.
There is no hard and fast research on angels per se that I can find. I do know they are guardians and they can assist us however we choose in my opinion. I also believe in angels on earth. Those selfless and kind people who besides ego of self go out of their way
for others.Now, throughout my years of drunken idiocy and putting myself in continuous risk, I always thought I h
ad a guardian angel looking after me. I use to say it as a joke but I tend to believe that I do have familial ghosts and energies that have kept me safe. I do not believe that luck has a lot to do with it. I should have been dead or in jail at least 10x over. It is shameful to think on that. What makes me live and others not be so fortunate? If my purpose is to stay sober and to be alive to help others then that is what I will do. Selflessly. This Christmas, I am holding onto my angels and my ghosts for perseverance and light into 2016.