How insane can I be?
The reason I started to drink at the age of 18 was because
1. I needed to relax
2. I needed to be social
3. It gave me confidence.
This is typical for lots and lots of college entry students. I was also letting loose from 18 years of being an overachiever empressed upon me by a slightly overbearing parent. (read as: psychotic, controlling, neurotic parent)
I also developed OCD and PTSD as previously noted in my blog. OCD for me was mostly controlling how I worked and accomplished tasks. I always had that knot in my stomach that I had to achieve and get things done. So, in most cases when I work I try to get it right. It might take me some time and many slow days of editing but I always leave happy with my job.
Last evening was a big first for me in sobriety. Learning to be vulnerable, let go of “getting it right” and telling my story. Challenging because there is so much of it and I wanted to make every point relevant. I even warned the audience.
How did I feel sharing? Well, liberated for sure. I felt happier than I thought I would BUT I left feeling so betrayed by the side of me that wants to tell my story in a way that is edited, replayed, practices and complete. That is the sick piece.
So now what? I guess I can tell my story the way I want and different each time. I suspect I will have years ahead of me to do so. The point is, that through my vulnerability I didn’t have the focus and feeling of control. AND THAT IS OK. This is what it is about. Letting go and letting our higher power guide us. I think I might have done that without even realizing it during the time I was speaking. Yes I was careful and there were pauses and repeats but I did it out of my love and honesty for myself and for others who were listening.
Thankfully, I can just turn all that doubt and ego and recalculations of how I “could have” done a better job at ‘sobriety’ and focus in on my work. At least I know that is one thing that remains the same. Same shit, different day. My story will never change, just the way I tell it and the factoids I choose to randomly select at that moment.
The most important thing for me is a) someone hears something that they needed to hear or identify with and b) someone learns what moving on looks like and where the community lives.