Gah. Somedays this disease amazes me it its subtle ways of trying to sneak in. Day 134. A day long of touching base on recovery sites, working well and getting my son to swimming. Half way there I think about a drink. It is a mouth watering Bordeaux and it has me transfixed and wanting to be numb. See I am feeling sad inside as I watch my son go through some “kid stuff” and we have to work through it. I was also listening to a podcast that was triggers because the jackpots that some people have hit I never have nor would I wish upon anyone less myself. I am typing this at swimming and I have tears. I just want to disappear and isolate. These moments come on fast and quick for me. A relapse for me would be awful. All the work I have put it and am beginning would find me waking up in the morning so angry and probably crying through it all.
I wonder if I would take that first sip and say “fuck it” and go for the triumvirate beer, wine, shot. I can see that and that is disgusting. I would probably ending up telling the whole bar my woes – which are what? That I am having a “moment” and I need a do-over? Fuck that shit. Meeting tonight and plan to feel better after. Addiction sucks but there is a solution.
The solution is to keep working. I am having a week of firsts and maybe that is a scary prospect. I have the opportunity to possible speak my experience, strength and hope for the first time. Being OCD I think of the several ways to approach it but I know it just had to come from the soul.
The second first is my sponsor. I finally got enough coriagr to find one. We meet for the first time this Thursday. I have been reading and preparing. I got this.