Season’s Greetings Stinkin’ Thinkin’ (Possibly Part I)

Gah. Somedays this disease amazes me it its subtle ways of trying to sneak in. Day 134. A day long of touching base on recovery sites, working well and getting my son to swimming. Half way there I think about a drink. It is a mouth watering Bordeaux and it has me transfixed and wanting to be numb. See I am feeling sad inside as I watch my son go through some “kid stuff” and we have to work through it. I was also listening to a podcast that was triggers because the jackpots that some people have hit I never have nor would I wish upon anyone less myself. I am typing this at swimming and I have tears. I just want to disappear and isolate. These moments come on fast and quick for me. A relapse for me would be awful. All the work I have put it and am beginning would find me waking up in the morning so angry and probably crying through it all.

I wonder if I would take that first sip and say “fuck it” and go for the triumvirate beer, wine, shot. I can see that and that is disgusting. I would probably ending up telling the whole bar my woes – which are what? That I am having a “moment” and I need a do-over? Fuck that shit. Meeting tonight and plan to feel better after. Addiction sucks but there is a solution.

The solution is to keep working. I am having a week of firsts and maybe that is a scary prospect. I have the opportunity to possible speak my experience, strength and hope for the first time. Being OCD I think of the several ways to approach it but I know it just had to come from the soul.

The second first is my sponsor. I finally got enough coriagr to find one. We meet for the first time this Thursday. I have been reading and preparing. I got this.

 

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Author: jenA.

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2 thoughts on “Season’s Greetings Stinkin’ Thinkin’ (Possibly Part I)

  1. I’m glad you’re going to a meeting and you’re going to talk with your sponsor. (Congrats for having the guts to ask someone! Wow!) These thoughts seem so powerful when they come, don’t they? I don’t think there’s much point wondering what would happen after taking that first sip because you’re not going to take that sip, right? And focusing on that during the tough moments might help more. The other thing I’ll say is that listening to how great things are for other people is never productive. Someone else might read what you wrote and cry because they don’t and won’t have a kid to take to swimming. You know? We all have so much and we are all missing so much, and I guess making choices about how we frame that is an ongoing job of work. I hope this storm clears up for you soon. Anyway, you’re right, you know: you got this! xo

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