Question came up in group reading the other night. What are your cravings? What do they look like? I actually had forgotten (forgetters) what they were like. We were reading the doctor’s note and it speaks about the alcoholics cyclical repeats / behaviors. The unbroken evil cycle of addiction as I see it. Each cycle gets worse and worse. Think about it. Here is a repeat.
- think about drinking around noon (craving!)
- wait until 5pm, then it is legal (excused!)
- dinner out to get first drinks, only two – bring little one with me – nothing a phone can’t do while mommy gets her drink on (sophisticated and I am bonding with my son!)
- will a dessert drink hurt? sometimes it somehow landed on the table (need to get more!)
- feeling pretty good – is husband working? YES – > go to liquor store for more wine (dragging innocent with me)
- feeling pretty good – is husband working? NO -> stop drinking or smuggle beer from fridge when he isn’t looking (no guilt, no shame, fucking do it)
This was just Tuesday. I’d do similar patterns on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Those had different patterns. Here they are:
Thursday: after work or see Tuesday / depending on when or where husband was
Friday: its Friday
Saturday: there is usually a party somewhere and its Saturday
Sunday: what season is it? football – check! holiday – check! Sunday dinner – check!
Overall, every day was a challenge. Every event was a constant looking around for a drink. Sunday drive? Stop for lunch? Drinks? Yes! (craving!)
When my husband got sensitive to my drinking everything made me irritable. I wanted a drink everywhere. Out at the beach? Bring a few beers. I remember downing 2 as fast as I could one time while he was in the water. I was so scared I wouldn’t have another. Heading into Boston to go to the aquarium? Where is lunch and how fast can we get there? (craving!) 2 drinks there; I am ok but pretty pissed when I get home and I can’t drink anymore because of that damn lock on the fridge. (resentments building)
Neighbors outside? Do they have wine? Can I have wine? Will they give me some? Please give me some. Offer me wine, act casual. Also, act really bored and fucking miserable until that second glass is in. (chase the buzz!) Go home and get a sweater – be right back! Chug a beer from the fridge; bring back a bottle of wine. It is now a party. Nothing to see here. Go home with happy buzz and possibly hit another beer before anyone is home. Yah! Jen wins.
This cycle repeated and repeated and repeated itself. Over and over and over. I switched from single lady drinking patterns to new family oriented drinking patterns and now I had victims.
Good, healthy discussion. Really reminding myself on a regular basis is building a foundation for me on getting prepared to whatever steps I need to do next to continue recovery.