60 days in, feeling pain and pressure

30 days in I was feeling pretty lousy but was gently cocooned in a pink cloud. I was definitely feeling on top of the world. I can do this! I got this! Read back to day 46/47 and I was starting to feel real. Real is hard. This week was misery. Let me explain. It started off with some tension headaches over a week or so ago, they move into my upper back, neck and created a ginormous knot. I was whiny. I was also desperate. If I were drinking I would feel better instantly with a drink. I could happily relax all those tensions away. The hangover would even be a happy respite from the pain I was in. So, someone wise (my coach) said – YOU NEED SELF CARE. WTF? Really? I forgot about that. So, I found myself on Day 60 heading to the masseuse we have at work. (Don’t judge, its a healthy bonus we have to pay for) It was amaaaaaazing. But, what happened to me? Why is everything so fucking painful? I can feel everything. Every pin prick, every knot, every cramp. PMS was torture this month for absolutely no reason. I usually glide through it. HELLO! Earth to alcoholic. You numbed everything out. Again, a hangover would actually be welcoming to this type of real.

Day 60. I got my chip. I made it. 2 whole months. Pain and all. Let’s talk about the pressure I had this week on top of the pain. People pressure. I started to feel super insecure. Why wasn’t I invited out with the ladies? Am I getting shut out? Holy shit, I am not cool because I don’t drink. STOP! STOP! WARNING. This is the one of the reason I am thinking a majority of us begin to drink. Social acceptance, anxiety. I was NEVER smooth when I drank so why would I think I would be now as an adult? Even though my insecurities were at the highest they have ever been, even to the point where I felt actual fears like isolation, being the “weirdo”, the outcast; I made it. I am fine today because as I learn, people do understand. Those who judge can go fuck themselves. Those who don’t, come here and get a hug.

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Author: jenA.

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1 thought on “60 days in, feeling pain and pressure

  1. No one is judging you.
    Boom regular massages. I do. I like them.
    Early sobriety is hard. But as you figure out how to deal with physical discomfort and social anxiety you will realize just how little the booze actually did for you!
    You are going awesome!!!

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