I am sad to tell you that you can no longer be my BFF (best friend forever). You have gone from being the best and most loving partner to the worst booty call. I have reduced you from frenemy I loved and couldn’t get enough of to my eternal enemy. I will no longer answer your text messages or when you try to crash my parties, the cops (my tools) will be called upon.
Together you and I began to build a beautiful bridge together for life. Once I first tasted your awesome power you captured me but this bridge led to alcoholism. If we stay friends, it will lead to mental disorder, despair, heartache and death.
Thankfully, I have decided to let you finish the bridge alone. I am returning to a place of self-awareness, beauty, focus, love and long life. With you, I will destroy any potential of having clarity ever again.
You do leave obstacles in my way but I am learning to get over them. I miss you very much. You need to know that. In my early stages of sobriety, I think about us a lot. I try to think of the good times, but it only leaves me confused and sad. It also leaves me embarrassed, ashamed and regretful. I did really stupid, life threatening and mean things while you were around me and I loved the way you made me feel. When I was happy inside, we would celebrate together. When I was sad, you’d help me forget and wallow in my sorrow and the occasional drunk dial. (Maybe not that occasionally, who did I call?) We rocked out together and met some cool people. We got married together and we tried to raise a small child together. Imagine the things he saw and heard from us as a baby, but weren’t the hangover naps the best? No they really weren’t. While you were planning our next drunk, I wasn’t present with my child. Once you gave me a voice to speak in those early days but then you became a co-dependency I couldn’t get rid of. Remember driving down and up 93 every weekend drunk as hell and going 100 MPH to just get to bed? I was lucky and still am. Eventually, you and my luck will stop. So I need to stop.
Angels have been guiding me away from you and showing me signs over the years that you should go. So now I say goodbye. I not only say goodbye to you but everything you came with. The fights, the drama, the disappointment in peoples’ voices and also the insecurity, the forgetfulness, heartburn and sickness. Paranoia and hangovers.
We have tried everything you and I to get along. We tried the hard stuff. We tried the beer. We tried moderation. We tried spritzers. We tried drugs together. We learned we loved craft beer, wine and tequila. I learned that you would let me keep going. A bottle of wine would turn into two some nights. (This was before the locked fridge got involved) A bottle of wine would also turn into a chaser of warm beers smuggled from the party stash. Eventually, I didn’t care what form you came in as long as you were inside of me!
You see alcohol; I would have killed myself chasing you. My biggest fear in life is watching it go by and leaving this earth without making an impact. My impact will be giving my life its greatest gift – a life without you.
My journey home has begun. (please stop texting me at 4:30pm every night, I’d appreciate that)